Late Night starring Me

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You know that feeling when you’re supposed to think about something but then you refuse to think about it, then something happens that forces you to think about it.

Half of me wishes I didn’t thinking about it, or even have to think about it. I managed to ‘not think about it’ for a few months now, but today, a friend sent me a song that totally broke down my walls and forced me to think about it. The song is Afraid by The Neighbourhood.

When I wake up I’m afraid, somebody else might take my place
When I wake up I’m afraid, somebody else might take my place

As I started to listen to it, my mind began to tell me that I could relate to that song.

I’m the type of person that would do anything for a true friend, I’d cross oceans for them, climb mountains for them, be there for them, let them know I believe in them even when they don’t believe in themselves. I encourage, strengthen them with positive words, lend an ear when they need someone to talk to. I would do anything just to make them smile and be happy.

Unfortunately…at the end of me doing all that I feel so lonely, and sad, and I feel like I’m alone and just wandering about making others happy, trying to keep myself positive even when it’s like I’m walking through hell.

Like let’s say they need help with promoting a page, I help out as much as I can, or they need to get something done, I’m always there to help out, give advise when they need it. Even with non friends, I still help out.

I can’t help but feel sad when I need help and I’m left alone on desert ground. I really didn’t want to write anything up tonight, but my heart feels so heavy and my eyes are stinging. I just need someone to talk to, someone I connect with.

I noticed that little by little these so called friends began not taking me seriously, and pretty much everything I do is on my own. I avoid group chats because I feel like the odd one out. I can send 5 messages and they all get ignored, so why bother even showing up there o doing what they want?

Little by little I began distancing myself away from them, from talking to people, slowly closing up my heart’s doors. I dont know why I even go on facebook, well it’s to keep my page alive. My page just hit 1000 likes, no thanks to them.

I’m not feeling salty or bitter, I’m just sad and dissapointed in everything, and myself too. I keep asking myself why I can’t just pretend to be all bubbly and get along with all of them. Believe me, I tried, but bubbly Mitchi isn’t me. I’m not someone is 100% happy all the time. I have my blue days, days where I feel so down and alone and dejected. Days where I don’t want to even open my laptop or post anything, days where Iwised that I could just start everything over that maybe, maybe I would turn out to be a different person.

We don’t talk anymore
We don’t talk anymore
We don’t talk anymore
Like we used to do
We don’t love anymore
What was all of it for?
Oh, we don’t talk anymore, like we used to do…

– We Don’t Talk Anymore

I feel like I’m meant to understand others, but no one understands me. I’ve always been the odd one out. No matter where I go, I’m always that odd person. At school, the mall (I hate shopping, unless it’s absolutely necessary). I don’t know why, I guess I’m too different to fit in.

Maybe I haven’t met the right person, or the right group of people yet. I really hope I do…

Thanks for reading my muddled up thoughts. That was Late Night with Mitchi.

Mitchi

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