From a Broken Smile pt1

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You know,
When I think about it
I dont seem to matter anymore,
Ever since she came along
You could have waited till I at least left
Before you stung her along
My feelings dont matter anymore
Neither do my thoughts
Your problems, priority, you two, majority
It doesnt matter if  speak my mind
Reality, you’ll never understand, you never did
You claim to be there for me
How do sweet words come out of your mouth
And your expressions and action remain so cold?
It’s all about what she says and what she wants and what she did 🙂
I mean, I should be happy for you that you have a new one
Congratulations my dear, I’m happy for you 🙂
You used to be able to detect the ‘I’m Fine’ lies
Now my words slip through your fingers like fine sand from the sea side
Whenever I’m with you two, I wish things could go back to the way they were
When I didnt have to bottle my feelings up
Or lie to get out of spending time with you
I thought I finally had a friend I could rely on
But boi was I wrong
I expressed my worries about moving
But you shut them down faster than paparazzi spreading rumours
At times I wonder if you can’t feel any changes
Maybe you’re used to being all about yourself and your problems
I knew this was too good to be true
If you read this, you’d probably laugh it off
I know…or you wouldn’t say anything
That’s more like you
You once told me we were friends because we didn’t know anyone else
I’m happy for you
I’m smiling with a broken smile
Happy with a sad smile
I miss the girl I met on February 27th
Because she’s definitely not the one standing in front of me now
Because this one is colder than Elsa the frozen queen
The one in front of me is superficial and unreal
Much like a character out of the popular movie
That I never watched but everyone liked
I guess the only best friend you can have is yourself
Whoever says friends cannot break your heart has clearly never had friends before
But I guess you’ll never know
Cause you’re just as good as pretending as I am
This fake smile, will just keep smiling
While sobbing on the inside
Welcome to my world, unreal reality 🙂
First time is a mistake
Second time is by chance
Third time is my stupidity
Good night, while I cry myself to sleep
Over a friend I never had
It’s time to cry…brb

– From Her Broken Midnight Smile

Fighting Depression

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Yesterday night, my mood got blue and I was just down and sad. I remembered what I always tells people I counsel. “Fight that feeling and feel better. Use positive thoughts to counter the sad negative thoughts you’re having.”

At times even I don’t even take my own advise, but I thought, why not just take my own advise this time?

Guess what? It worked! Instead of my usual looking for sad heart wrenching songs, I looked for happy songs and I got up and started dancing. It’s been a long time since I danced and I had a good time in my room. After I finished and got ready for bed, I was just happy and my spirit was no longer down. I just felt so colourful and amazing. I’ll put down the songs I listened to down here:

1. Me Too by Meghan Trainor

2. No by Meghan Trainor

3. Better When I’m Dancin’ by Meghan Trainor

4. All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor

5. Happy by Pharrell Williams

6. Cheap Thrills by Sia

You can’t help but just start dancing when you listen to songs like that. The only way to fight against negative thoughts is positive thoughts. Try it, it’s worth it. Let lose!

Late Night starring Me

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You know that feeling when you’re supposed to think about something but then you refuse to think about it, then something happens that forces you to think about it.

Half of me wishes I didn’t thinking about it, or even have to think about it. I managed to ‘not think about it’ for a few months now, but today, a friend sent me a song that totally broke down my walls and forced me to think about it. The song is Afraid by The Neighbourhood.

When I wake up I’m afraid, somebody else might take my place
When I wake up I’m afraid, somebody else might take my place

As I started to listen to it, my mind began to tell me that I could relate to that song.

I’m the type of person that would do anything for a true friend, I’d cross oceans for them, climb mountains for them, be there for them, let them know I believe in them even when they don’t believe in themselves. I encourage, strengthen them with positive words, lend an ear when they need someone to talk to. I would do anything just to make them smile and be happy.

Unfortunately…at the end of me doing all that I feel so lonely, and sad, and I feel like I’m alone and just wandering about making others happy, trying to keep myself positive even when it’s like I’m walking through hell.

Like let’s say they need help with promoting a page, I help out as much as I can, or they need to get something done, I’m always there to help out, give advise when they need it. Even with non friends, I still help out.

I can’t help but feel sad when I need help and I’m left alone on desert ground. I really didn’t want to write anything up tonight, but my heart feels so heavy and my eyes are stinging. I just need someone to talk to, someone I connect with.

I noticed that little by little these so called friends began not taking me seriously, and pretty much everything I do is on my own. I avoid group chats because I feel like the odd one out. I can send 5 messages and they all get ignored, so why bother even showing up there o doing what they want?

Little by little I began distancing myself away from them, from talking to people, slowly closing up my heart’s doors. I dont know why I even go on facebook, well it’s to keep my page alive. My page just hit 1000 likes, no thanks to them.

I’m not feeling salty or bitter, I’m just sad and dissapointed in everything, and myself too. I keep asking myself why I can’t just pretend to be all bubbly and get along with all of them. Believe me, I tried, but bubbly Mitchi isn’t me. I’m not someone is 100% happy all the time. I have my blue days, days where I feel so down and alone and dejected. Days where I don’t want to even open my laptop or post anything, days where Iwised that I could just start everything over that maybe, maybe I would turn out to be a different person.

We don’t talk anymore
We don’t talk anymore
We don’t talk anymore
Like we used to do
We don’t love anymore
What was all of it for?
Oh, we don’t talk anymore, like we used to do…

– We Don’t Talk Anymore

I feel like I’m meant to understand others, but no one understands me. I’ve always been the odd one out. No matter where I go, I’m always that odd person. At school, the mall (I hate shopping, unless it’s absolutely necessary). I don’t know why, I guess I’m too different to fit in.

Maybe I haven’t met the right person, or the right group of people yet. I really hope I do…

Thanks for reading my muddled up thoughts. That was Late Night with Mitchi.

Mitchi

Snap Me Back To Reality

(disclaimer: can be triggering, this is a piece about self harming which I wrote when I was battling depression)

In my last piece about depression, I said I was going to be putting up some of the lyrics I wrote during that period. This one’s called Snap Me Back To Reality. I wrote it as a letter to my best friend, who I had promised that I’d never cut again.

Snap Me Back To Reality

Do you ever get that feeling
When you don’t know
What’s wrong with you
But somewhere in you is hurting
And you feel your world is falling apart

The feeling
The sharp piercing pain in your heart
And it has you clutching your chest
Like your life depends on it

I’m sick and tired of feeling this way
Just five little cuts (No)
Just four little cuts (No)
Just three, just two (No)
Please…just one (No)

Please
I’m crying
I feel like I’m dying
But to hid it
I’m smiling
To hid it
I’m lying
I’m lying
I’m lying

Rip my heart out
So I can be fine
(I’m lying)
Just one
Baby just one
Just one

I’m sick and tired of feeling this way
Just five little cuts (No)
Just four little cuts (No)
Just three, just two (No)
Please…just one (No)

Please
I’m crying
I feel like I’m dying
But to hid it
I’m smiling
To hid it
I’m lying
I’m lying
I’m lying

I think I’m addicted
I think I’m afflicted
I can’t stop
Oh baby
Butterflies don’t do the trick no more

I’m smiling but I’m dying
It feels like I’m dying
I’m dying

I’m sick and tired of feeling this way
Just five little cuts (No)
Just four little cuts (No)
Just three, just two (No)
Please…just one (No)

Please
I’m crying
I feel like I’m dying
But to hid it
I’m smiling
To hid it
I’m lying
I’m lying
I’m lying

Emotions keep taking over me
Especially from my past
Please call the doctor
I might not last much longer

I’m sick and tired of feeling this way
Just five little cuts (No)
Just four little cuts (No)
Just three, just two (No)
Please…just one (No)

I’m sick and tired of feeling this way
Just five little cuts (No)
Just four little cuts (No)
Just three, just two (No)
Please…just one (No)

To snap me back to reality
Reality…
Snap me back to reality

 

There it is. I wrote that 20th November 2015. 🙂
At times it flashes to my mind how messed up I was. But hey, I’m proud of who I became. I’m proud that I’m a surviver, that I won the battle. If you’re reading this and battling depression, I believe that it wont get the best of you. You’re sttronger than you know. Way stronger than all the demons racing your mind. You’ll make it through alive. Have faith, and hope. It will carry you through. Live on positivity.

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Take care,
Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.

Mitchi

Depression (pt1)

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(might be triggering, contains talk about self-harming and depression)

Some years back I was really depressed. I was suicidal and also self-harming by cutting my wrists to ease the pain I felt in my heart.

It all started when I couldn’t handle the pressure I was getting at school from being bullied. I was insulted, called horrible names to my face, everyone in my grade out-casted me for no particular reason. My heart hurt so much and I didn’t know what to do. That was in Grade 4.

In Grade 7, I made a friend in a higher Grade, she became like my sister and we were so tight that I even told my parents about her. One day I saw her wrist, freshly cut. I was scared and angry and I lashed out at her, mind you she is way older than I am. I begged her to never cut again. She said she wouldn’t and everything was alright.

A day came in my life that I was just tired of it all, the bulling for no reason, being an outcast, everyone picking on me for reasons I still don’t get. I just couldn’t handle it. I found myself a blade and began slitting my writs. I made so many cuts that day, there was blood everywhere, but I felt good. It felt so good, like a loud had been taken away from my back, like my heart was at peace. I felt great. Like all the pain I had just left my body. When my ‘sister’ found out she was pissed, so pissed off at me I was scared. And I told her I would never do it again. Deep down I knew I was lying that I would do it over and over again just to feel the same way I felt when I did it the first time.

Self harming became my consolation and depression became my friend. I didn’t fight it, I fed my mind with negative thoughts. I lived in negative words and phrases like ‘No one will ever love me’, ‘I’m useless’, ‘It would be better to die’, ‘I’m ugly’, ‘I’ll forever be bullied’.I could go on and on…

When I changed countries and went to a new school, I still self-harmed. My classmates saw me and I didn’t care. I became addicted to it because I linked it to the peace I felt deep inside whenever I cut. One of my teachers found out and he tried to talk me out of it and made me throw away my blade. That didn’t solve anything because I couldn’t see any light and whenever I was hurt my blade was my only friend and I didn’t want to lose the only friend that I had there. So I kept cutting.

After that, I changed countries and schools again. And I still had my blade with me and negative depressing heart-aching thoughts, words, phrases that I held unto.

At some point, a part of me wanted to break free from all this hurt and pain and sadness and I wanted to see some light. At the same time, another part of me didn’t want to let go of the hurt and pain I was feeling.

With the help of my best friend and my family (who still didn’t know what I was going through because I’m a very good actor, smiling whenever and being all happy-go-lucky) I summoned the courage to break away from all this sadness and depression.

Mark my word, it wasn’t easy. For weeks I’d be fine, and then suddenly everything would come crashing down and I’d turn to cutting again. I’d tell myself ‘Just one more cut, and I wouldn’t do it again’. For days I wouldn’t cut then again, just one more cut and I will never do it again. Those were some of the lies I’d tell myself.

It got to a stage that my mum kept asking me why I was wearing long sleeves in the hot scorching sun and I’d lie to her that ‘Oh I just feel like it’. My best friend had to step in. He said I should promise him that I would never in my life cut again. And if you know me, I take my promises very seriously and I never make promises that I know I can break. I didn’t want to promise him that because I knew that I would break it. But he persuaded me, and I did. I told him (wrote to him) that ‘I promise to never cut again’.

It was hard. Days I felt like I was going to die. I’d tell him I want to cut and he’d remind me of the promise I made and I would cry myself to sleep. I’m even getting teary as I’m writing this. I tell him again and again asking if I could cut, just once. I knew I was addicted. It was like a drug I couldn’t live without. I’d have terrible mood swings, I was getting hurt, the pain in my heart felt like it would suffocate me. My mind screamed, my heart cried, my wrists begged to be cut. But I wouldn’t dare, because I couldn’t break my promise. I just couldn’t break it. (I even wrote lyrics about that. I’ll be posting it when next I talk about depression again)

Gradually I began to let go. He would listen to me rant, he was there for me. I prayed to God to give me the strength to hold on. Those were tough times. But guess what? I survived. I’m alive. I have things to thank God for. I’m closer to my parents, I trust them, I open up to them. I have a kind amazing best friend who loves me and cares for me like a sister and a real friend. I have my siblings, I have these amazing people God used to help me back on my feet. I feel so good about myself, and I’m constantly working on myself.

When I’m talking to people that have depression, I always let them know that I’ve been where you were. I’ve lived a life full of negativity. I’ve tasted it. I’ve felt it, but guess what? I made it out, alive. And that it wasn’t easy. But that I can guide them out of it, just like I guided myself out, with some help too.

I get really sad and I just want to cry when I’m one on one with someone going through such a rough path. I’m constantly trying to be there for them because I know how lost and how broken I was when I had no one by my side. I know the pain I went through when I just wanted to die. I know how I felt when I was being bullied. I know how much pain these things bring. And it hurts so much. It hurt so bad.

But it’s a real battle. And you gotta stand up, and fight it! Because your mind only believes what you tell it. All those negative thoughts coming through, you have to have something to use as a shield to protect yourself from it. Without it, depression will just keep breaking you down and living life would not even seem worth it. Talk positive to yourself. Look into that mirror that you’re so afraid and tell yourself ‘I love you’. Tell yourself ‘I look beautiful’, ‘You’re an amazing girl/guy’. Tell yourself ‘I am allowed to be happy’. Tell yourself ‘I am wonderful’. Tell yourself positive things. It might seem like a silly thing to do, but it works, honestly, it does.

I’m always drawn to the broken, the damaged, the hurt, because I’ve been there before. And though I might not have gone through it the exact same way they did, it still felt to me like death was my best option. But no. I want to live. Each time I talk about depression, or talk to depressed people or just people going through a rough path, I’m always thankful to God that I didn’t die. That I didn’t give up. I’m not even 20 yet. I might know a lot of things, but I haven’t lived my life to the fullest yet. And I want to do that. I want to have fun, study hard, have a family, have kids, have an amazing career. I want to love and be loved. I have so many goals for this life and I’m so thankful I’m alive.

You can have goals too. You can fight this Depression because you’re stronger than it. You’re stronger than the pain you’re going through. You are a lot stronger than you know. Even if you don’t know it, I do. And I believe in you. I trust you and I’m rooting for you. Don’t let depression get the best of you because you have a bright future ahead of you.

I always liken this whole situation to Gold. You know how Gold must go through the fire before it becomes priceless? That’s how we are. At times people go through tough times to become stronger, to become better, to become a testimony. I’ve gone through these things and I’m able to tell others going through the same thing that take a look at me, I made it through, and yes it wasn’t easy, but I made it out, Alive. You can too. Because I believe in you, and support you with all my heart and will be there for you, through thick and thin.

I’ll be writing up more blog posts on the theme Depression because I feel like we need to talk about these things more. We cannot pretend like it’s not real. Because it is real. And it is happening to the young (who get told ‘you don’t have a reason to be depressed’), and to the teens (who get told ‘gosh, man up’ or ‘get over it’), and also to the old (who get told ‘shrug it off’ or ‘man up!’). We have to talk about these things and figure out a way to over come it, together.