What Interracial Couples Go Through + Things People Need To Understand About Interracial Couples

Hey guys! I’m back!

I know, it’s been a while, and I’m sorry I haven’t been updating as much as I promised this year. I guess I have something to write on my New Year’s Resolution XD

Firsts of, Happy New Month!!! Christmas is almost here, and I am as excited as can be. It’s my first Christmas in Germany after more than 10 years(I think), no kidding.

One of the updates in my life is that I now have a boyfriend. We’ve been together for about 7 months now, and God knows I love him with all my heart.

Another thing is that we’re an interracial couple. He’s German (White) and I’m Nigerian (Black). Our relationship hasn’t been easy. I mean with so many cultural differences and our own differences, we’re trying our best. ❤

So, here I’m going to be touching up on the struggles faced by interracial couples (with the help of Cosmopolitan, hellobeautiful, datingtips, huffingtonpost ).

original                                                                                                   (picture credit to owner, NOT ME)

1. Other interracial couples.
This is probably one of the most surprising revelations, but interacting with other interracial couples can sometimes be a negative experience. Often, other couples project their realities (and insecurities) onto you. It’s not necessarily that you expect other people in interracial relationships to share some kind of special camaraderie with you, although that may be the case. It’s just that you naturally assume that they will understand why you don’t want your relationship to be viewed through the lens of some pretty interesting (and sometimes completely absurd) assumptions.

Much like dealing with any other couple, you’ll find yourself simply having to keep your own relationship struggles to yourself. Just because your friends or other couples can’t get past their issues, don’t let it leak into your own partnership.

2. People who will fetishize your interracial relationship.
As a Black woman, you may have already been dealing with distinguishing between people who are into you as a fetish, and people who are into you, period. But as your relationship goes on, you’ll often come across people who are creepily fascinated by it. To the point where they want a step-by-step guide on how to be in such a relationship of their own.

It shouldn’t be so hard to believe , but a lot of people in interracial relationships didn’t necessarily make being in one, a goal. Mostly, you meet people, you enjoy their company, you go from there. Either way, it’s sometimes laughable (and sometimes a bore) if you’re in an interracial relationship to come across people who fetishize it like some sort of exotic experience.

3. Cultural Differences
One of the main challenges facing many interracial couples is their culture. Each one may be brought up differently based on each other’s cultural background. Sometimes, these differences can be polar opposites to what each other believes in. It can create that tension between couples if they are not able to handle it effectively. For new couples, discovering and learning about the cultural practices of each partner can also be quite a challenge as well.  These challenges can usually be addressed effectively if couples learn to work together out of mutual respect for each other’s differences.

4. It’s Not Just About Sex 

Many questions some people in interracial relationships receive hinge on sex. Are black girls freakier than white girls? Are Asian girls more submissive? Who has the bigger penis, black men or Latino men? These kinds of questions only perpetuate racial stereotypes (regardless of whether they’re “positive” or not) and turn the idea of interracial dating into a kind of experiment or phase. While sex can be an important component of many people’s relationships, it shouldn’t be viewed as the primary motivation for any committed relationship, interracial or otherwise.

5. Being In An Interracial Relationship Doesn’t Mean You’ve Solved Racism 

Amongst some members of the “team swirl” community,  there are those who think that the beauty of these interracial couplings signifies a better world. Well, while dating outside of your race might demonstrate that you are open-minded, at the end of the day, interracial relationships won’t necessarily “solve” racism. The growth of interracial relationships in the last 20 years certainly demonstrates that we’ve progressed towards accepting these kinds of relationships and racial equality overall, but we have a long way to go. In a perfect world, race would not be an issue, but it is, and it’s ok for interracial partners to acknowledge that. In fact, it’s encouraged.

6. No, People Of Colour Who Date White People Don’t Hate Themselves 

The idea that a person of colour who dates a white person is harbouring some kind of self-hatred is a far too simplistic one. Of course, there are instances where issues of self-acceptance may be at play, but this is not a hard and fast rule. No, black men and women who date or marry white partners (especially after being with black people in the past) are not necessarily doing so for status or validation. There are a lot of reasons why people are attracted to other people. If a black person dates someone outside of their race, their “blackness” — and how they feel about it — should not automatically be called into question.

6. Calm Down — It’s Not That Big A Deal

At the end of the day, interracial dating doesn’t always have to be a big deal. Which is to say, questions like “What will your parents think?” or “What about raising your kids in two different cultures?” might be a factor for some couples, but not all. Projecting expectations about what individual couples experience rather than allowing them to show and tell does nothing to move the conversation forward. An interracial relationship is, first and foremost, a relationship, not some big political statement. These couples are revolutionary by simply just being. Let interracial couples decide what being in an interracial relationship means to them.

7. There’s Always Something New To Learn 

The beauty in interracial relationships, and all relationships in general, is the opportunity to learn and grow from someone who might come from a different background and a different perspective for you. The colourblind approach of not seeing a partner’s race and understanding how that affects the way they navigate in a relationship isn’t the right way to go about it. Instead, being willing to speak frankly about race is key —  it’s an opportunity for couples to become even more honest, more open, and most of all more aware.

I hope you’ve learnt a bit about interracial couples. It’s not always easy, there are times where things get tough and you wonder if it’s really worth it. But let me tell you one thing, listen to your heart. I love my boyfriend and I know that our future isn’t going to be all flowers and ish, but hey, life is a rollercoaster. Things go up, spin around, but at the end, it’s worth it.

I love you guys! Happy Merry December.

And hey, I’d love to hear about your relationships. How do you deal with conflict between you and your lover? Leave your thoughts in the comment down below.

Stay warm, stay safe and till my next post.

Mitchi ❤

(LIVE, LIFE, LOVE)

 

 

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Shape of You by Ed Sheeran

I went to a club some days ago and I heard this song that got me pumping and feeling really good. I later found out that it was Shape of you By Ed Sheeran. It’s from his album
➗” ( DIVIDE).  I was really shocked because I’m wasn’t a fan of his music at all but Shape of You made me want to listen to more songs from him. And I also listened to his other songs and I can finally see why people love him and his music so much. It’s so heartfelt and emotional and true. I really didn’t get the whole hype about Ed Sheeran, but listening to Shape of You showed me what the hype was all about. And his songs are totally worth the hype. I’ll be listening to the whole album this weekend. That’s my idea of fun 🙂

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I’m in love with the shape of you
We push and pull like a magnet do
Although my heart is falling too
I’m in love with your body
And last night you were in my room
And now my bedsheets smell like you
Every day discovering something brand new
I’m in love with your body
Oh—I—oh—I—oh—I—oh—I

Puzzle Pieces

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In that moment it clicks.
I know exactly what to do.
Our bodies fit together like puzzle pieces.

In that moment time stops,
For about an hour we are endless.
She looks up at me and smiles.

In that moment I melt.
Her hair is everywhere
There is sweat on her brow.

In that moment we don’t care.
We are each other .
We are happy.

(written by Dakotah Blake Daffron from hellopoetry)

Dating My Best Friend?

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I’ve noticed that whenever I’m with friends and we’re talking about friendship, and I tell them that my best friend is a guy, they always try to convince me or try and ‘make’ me realise that I’m in love with my best friend all because of the logic that says girls cannot be friends with the opposite sex without one of them or both of them having feelings for each other.

And totally understand their point too because before I became best friends with my bestie, whenever I’d see a guy and a girl together, the first thing that would pop into my mind is that they’re dating, or they kind of like each other. But ever since we became best friends, I realised that it’s possible to be friends with a the opposite sex and not have any romantic feelings for them. I even talked to him about this whole people thinking I’m dating my best friend issue, that I was having a hard time convincing people that I am not dating him and he surprisingly told me that he was also having a hard time convincing people too.

Here are a few reasons people think girls and guys CANNOT be Just FRIENDS (thanks to thoughtcatalog.com).

1. Sometimes in close friendships, caring gets confused for feelings.
When you are best friends with someone of the opposite gender (assuming you are heterosexual), any action you take to show your friend how much you care can be passed off as a secret sign of showing affection on a deeper level.

2. You always have to dodge the “Are you dating?” question.
You want to go out to eat together and people assume you’re a couple. Doing things alone, just the two of you, isn’t weird for either of you, but to your onlookers, you appear to be an exclusive couple. Answering that question sometimes is followed with a “Why not?” which leads to further explanation of the dynamic of your confusing friendship.

3. You never really know what they’re feeling.
Is he secretly in love with you, despite denying the possibility? Are you secretly in love with him, even though you think you only see him as more of a sibling? Should you be secretly in love with him? Would it make everything fall into place—or would it destroy everything?

4. You find yourself getting jealous.
If your friend starts dating someone or spends more time with a new potential significant other, you might feel as though things are falling apart. You’re not necessarily jealous because you want to date him; you’re just jealous because you’re no longer the only girl in his life. You might also be jealous because you want what he has.

5. Your relationship is held to a different standard than other friendships.
Because of that unusual dynamic between the two of you, you expect certain things to happen and/or not happen. When these expectations aren’t met, they hurt worse than any of your other friendships.

6. Sometimes you end up being let down.
You hold your friend to a higher standard because the relationship is—on some levels—more intimate, even though it is just a friendship. Anything that may go wrong hurts twice as much because you feel as though you’ve lost more than any other normal friendship.

I find some of these a bit absurd because unless you have feelings for him, you wouldn’t be getting jealous that he’s dating someone or he’s spending time with a potential spouse. If you are crushing on him and falling for him, tell him because it’s really no use keeping it to yourself and going through a roller coaster of emotions. I’m not saying that a girl and guy that are friends cannot be in love.What I’m saying is that It’s a 50:30:20 ratio of how things might be. 50% might be in love, 30% might be having one-sided love feelings, and the remaining 20% is just friends.

My best friend is an amazing guy and the girl that’s going to date him/get married to him is going to be the luckiest girl on earth because he’s simply amazing, down to earth, positive, you name it. He listens to me when I’m being whining, when I’m happy, when I’m having trouble with my girl friends and he’s basically like family. And he’s funny and goofy ad I could write a whole book about the type of person he is.

Do you think a girl and guy can be friends and not have romantic feelings for each other? Leave your thoughts in the comments.

The Unwritten Girl Rule

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I was reading an article some days ago about a girl who was pissed at her friend for falling in love and dating her ex and all I could say was ‘What in the world are you mad about? Why?’

Apparently it’s an unwritten rule that a girl must never date her friends’s ex. I really still don’t get it. I mean yeah it would be awkward to meet your ex again and see him kissing your best friend.

Maybe the reason I don’t understand this ‘rule’ is because most of my friends have been guys. So I took it upon myself to find out more about the Unwritten Girl Rules/Codes and wow I found…25 OF THEM (all thanks to the site hexjam). I had no idea some of these existed.

  1. Never date your friend’s ex.
  2. Never befriend your ex’s new girlfriend.
  3. No matter what, those new girlfriends always look like ogres compared to your friend
  4. Never reveal your friend’s secret.
  5. Always be honest.
  6. Never leave a drunk friend alone.
  7. Only post flattering pics of your friends on Facebook. (I find this one very funny.)
  8. Unflattering pics are ONLY allowed if you’re both striking an equally weird pose. (What in the world….I feel like an alien reading these rules.)
  9. Full access to each other’s closet is permitted. (Oh no! Not for me!)
  10. Half an hour pep talks before a date are mandatory. (Oh yeah. I had this one friend I gave a pep talk before she went on her date. It went pretty well. So proud! :))
  11. Always help a fellow woman out during her time of the month. (Thanks mom for all the dark chocolate. Love em!)
  12. Rescue plans will be implemented when friends are heartbroken. (Let’s say I’m always there for my friends who are heart broken. Well it’s mostly that time that they remember the Counselor Mitchi is alive. XD)
  13. Never stay quiet when your friend is falling for an asshole. (True talk!)

And the rest are pretty much more girl talk. I also searched up why the number one rule ‘Never date your friend’s ex’ is important. According to stylesweekly here are the reasons. And by friend we mean a really close friend who you spend time with and confide in (and they do the same with you) who has an ex-boyfriend who’d like to date you.

1. It’s Not Good For Your Friendship: If you and your friend are super close, then she probably told you about her relationship with the guy. Just think about how uncomfortable it will be for the both of you for her to know that not only are you aware of some of the innermost secrets of her relationship but now, you’re going to learn about some of those things firsthand. Yeah, awkward doesn’t even begin to cut it!

2. It Could Ultimately Cost You Your Friendship: If your friend does pretend that she’s cool with it at first (which is shocking all on its own), don’t be surprised if she’s not in the long run. She has every reason to think that you dating her ex is a bit on the side of disloyal. And when you don’t really trust someone, it’s hard to be friends with them

3. It’s Shady On Your Part (And His): Your friend is more than fair if she asks you how long you and her ex have entertained dating each other. And even if the topic didn’t come up before they ended their relationship, you certainly shouldn’t blame her for thinking that the two of you might have been sneaking around. And either way, thinking that being together is cool is pretty shady on both of your parts.

4. You’ll Never Be Able To Full Trust Him: What would make you think that if he is OK with seeing two friends that he won’t mind doing it again with one of your other friends? And really, can you trust that? Probably not.

5. He Might Have A Hidden Agenda: Revenge reveals itself in a sorts of ways. And sometimes, you don’t really see it coming. Be careful about a guy who wants to date you shortly after his relationship ends with your friend. You might be nothing more than a pawn to hurt her feelings or make her jealous.

6. Chances Are, You’ll Dislike Some Of The Same Things She Did: The reason why you and her are friends is because the two of you have some things in common, right? That’s probably why you like some of the same guys. Here’s what you probably weren’t prepared for, though. That’s also probably why you’ll end up disliking some of the same things about your friend’s ex as she did.

7. He May (Openly) Compare The Two Of You: It’s actually a given that he’s going to compare the two of you. That’s natural. What you might not be prepared for is him comparing you openly. “Sara would never wear that” or “Katie actually likes this restaurant, you don’t?” Who wants to feel like there’s constantly a measuring stick in their relationship. And not only that but someone who they actually know?

8. His Friends May Compare The Two Of You Too: Here’s an icky thought. Guys talk to their friends. This means that he talked to them about your friend (and who knows what was said) and now, you’re up for conversation. And yes, that also usually includes comparisons. Between you and your friend. This time, not only by one guy…but several.

9. It Could Be A Reputation Killer: Honestly, at the end of the day, character should trump reputation. But in this case, they both basically work together. Even if you feel that dating an ex of your friend is the exception and not the rule, what is it about your character that thinks it’s a good thing to do? And if you don’t care, that attitude is what could ultimately affect your reputation.

10. You’ll Have A Hard Time Balancing The Two Relationships: So, if you’re used to you and your friend telling each other everything and she can’t stand her ex and/or her ex can’t stand her either, how are you going to balance everything out? It sounds like a tug of war more than anything else. And what’s the fun/use/benefit in that?

11. It Will Be Hard To Get Others’ Support And Understanding: Hopefully, you have people in your life who are going to love you no matter what. But if a lot of them are like “We just don’t get this so we’re not sure we can offer the best advice”, don’t fault them for it. It’s complicated at best.

12. There’s A Slim Chance It Will Get Anywhere…Far: When a guy knows that you’re willing to date your friend’s ex, it might cause him to wonder if you’re also capable of dating one of this friends up the road. That puts your integrity into question which may put an expiration date on your relationship before it even really gets off of the ground.

13. They Might Ultimately End Up Back Together: Gee. Now wouldn’t this be a boomerang? How mad can you really be if after dating you, he goes back to the woman he was seeing before you? There’s a chance of this happening. Do you really wanna risk it?

14. There Are Plenty Of Other Guys To Choose From: Aren’t there enough guys in the world that dating the ex of a friend is worth avoiding? Just asking.

15. You’re So Much Better Than That: While there are rare instances where dating the friend of an ex could work, it’s close to the chances of winning the lottery. Between trying to get your friend to trust you, trying to keep the relationship from being super awkward and trying to keep any type of guilt at bay, you’re better than all of this. Don’t look at a close friend’s ex as “the ultimate catch”, but the ultimate distraction when it comes to finding someone who you—and your friend—can be happy about you being with instead.

Okay these points are doing a pretty good job of convincing me that dating your friend’s ex is a huge NO NO. But then what happens when it’s actually true love and you guys are soul-mates? Yes I believe in soul-mates. Maybe there’s an exception for that.

I would really love to hear what you reader think about it. Is it a good idea to date your friend’s ex or is it just a big NO NO for you?

For Breaking My Heart

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My heartbreak is grief that comes in waves, gruelling, stealing appetite and sleep alike. It is a shard in my guts that never leaves, though perhaps in time the edges will dull. It feels like death just the same as bereavement and in quiet moments it chokes the breath from my body and short circuits my mind. What was once whole is shattered; where once was peace is emptiness, echoes of a love I put my everything into. With each passing day you take another step away though I asked you to show some sign of caring, affection, of love. All you bring is anger, suspicion and an averted gaze. My only “crime” was to not be able to cope with your rage, with the words you allowed to spill unchecked. I have always done my best for you and, even now, still am. Inadequate as you find me, this is my best, it is all that is left of a once a proud and strong soul – fragments on the floor, scared that the next wind will blow them away.

Since your love turned to poison, my mind cycles through emotions faster than a kid flipping radio channels. I’ve gone from level to rocky – fighting a mixture of competing emotions, each of them vying for dominance. After the reboot of sleep I am calm, the day stretching ahead with possibilities – time to get jobs done, connect with friends, enjoy nature. Yet this coping is a thin veil over trauma and even the smallest of set backs change my emotional landscape. By evening the sadness wells up, uncertainty rushing to the fore, and I know it is time to sleep. How the crazy dreams stitch my head back together I haven’t a clue, it’s a new miracle every night.

Thank you for breaking me; isn’t that a line from Sinead O’Connor? I never understood it before. It used to sound like permission, albeit retroactive, to hurt someone. I get it now. Only a lover can wound so deep, cut to the very core. That level of trauma has to be an inside job. You broke me and watched me bleed. You saw me fail to eat, fail to sleep, and you kept on the pressure with your lies and manipulations, increasing the level of cruelty as you went. After all that, what can there be left underneath but the untouchable part of me, my soul, the girl you can never hurt. I can’t be more raw than that, more exposed, more pure. So thank you, because as Sinead said, “now I have a strong, strong heart, thank you, thank you for breaking my heart.”

(daisy)

 

What I Want In A Lover

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What I want in a lover
Is the excitement of a theme park
The calm of chamomile
The pain of a splinter
Reassurance of a nurse who can heal.
What I want in a lover is the
Crowd in my heart
When the chorus of a song comes on
I know from the start.
What I want in a lover
Is not money, clothes, a name,
But the incomparable solace
Of knowing I’m loved the same

(written by Mary Scott from hellopoetry)